scribbles of a mad woman

I can't believe it!

2007-10-07T07:38:12Z

My baby is going to be four!!! Ahhh four I can't believe it. I remember finding out was I pregnant . I remember feeling her move in my belly for the first time. I remember every contraction and all the hour of labor that ended in a c-section. I remember coming home and it being just her and I. I remember watching her sleep for hours. I remember the first time she said "momma I dub (love) you" and how it made me cry. I remember her first birthday and thinking " I did it I kept her safe and healthy and loved for a whole year. And now she is going to be 4. Wow time flies.

Time flies when you don't have a job

2007-09-20T07:10:23Z

I can't believe it. Mateo just turned 5 months and my little Azeli bug will be 4 in less then a month. Gosh they grow so fast. I was looking at pictures last night of when Azeli was a little chubby baby. She was adorable. Not she will be 4 in October. My baby will be 4. She is wise beyond her years. She is so damn smart. Today she asked me "Mommy right now I am a little girl so I have boobies but when I get bigger will I have big boobs like you?" I said yup when you grow bigger your boobies will grow too! She cracks me up. She wants to have a ballerina, Barbie, butterfly party. I told her that the boys might not want to be ballerina Barbie butterflies.She said the boys can be Darth Vaders. LOL she kills me. I can see it now I have a house full of ballarina Barbie butterflies and Darth Vaders. She is so excited for her birthday. I havent decided what we are going to get her yet. She wants everything she sees and bonus if its pink. She is such a girly girl. And that is something I am not, at all. I will only wear pink if its accompanied with black. She LOVES to dress up in her princess including the princess pumps and dance. She is a crack up. She loves being a big sister. And he adores her. She can always cheer him up. I was taking pictures of them together the other day and smile because at a glance they look so different but if you compare features they look a lot alike.
Mateo is such a sweetie. He is a chub. We are still nursing and we still supplement on bottle of formula at night. I have tried just about everything to produce more milk. I take fenugreek 3 times a day and eat steal cut oatmeal for breakfast every day. I drink mothers milk tea on and off. And we nurse often. I am very proud I didn't give up because I wanted to so bad the first few weeks. Its hard work. For some woman it comes so easy but not me. But I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Its our time together. I love they way he looks up at me and plays with my curls they hang down across my breast. He loves the feeling of my skin. He reaches up and rubs my arm he even does it in his sleep when we nurse at night. I feels good to know I am nourishing him from my body. It is a true miracle to conceive a child grow it in your womb and bring it to life. Then to feed it from your breast. I love it. Its so amazing. I am planning to nurse till he is atleast one. I know its recommended to nurse till they are two. But we will see. I am just proud I have made it this far. He is finally rolling over. Its so cute. He rolls from his belly to his back and he always has this look after he does it like whoa what just happened. He is such a snuggler. He is a big time mommas boy. When Daddy holds him he always looks for me. I love it. I love they way he feels when I pick him up in the morning for the first time. I love the way he smells after a bath. I love the way his breath feels on my face when he falls sleep in my chest. I love when he grabs my face and gives me kisses (more like sucking on my chin). He is such a blessing. I am grateful to be given the chance to have children.
I am also blessed with an amazing partner. I love him with my whole soul. He is my soulmate. I don't think I have ever been loved by someone so much in my life. He understands me. All my crazy tics and moments of insanity. He knows when I just need to be held. He works his ass off so I can be home with the kids. He works his 40 hours and then comes home and freelances for another few hours and sometimes all night. He is such a hard worker. He is a great dad. He is such a natural at it. He isn't afraid to change a pooped diaper or give a bath. He wears the baby in a sling. Nothing fazes him. He is the best! I love him so much. The other day we were standing in the kitchen and he wraps his arms all the way around be and says " your such a great momma" and " you are my soulmate its just so easy with you, you just make me feel good" . I LOVE that man.

Family

2007-06-09T00:35:08Z

I just checked on my babies and they are both passed out in their own rooms. Azeli is still taking her nap tucked in her loft bed. She is so adorable. She is sweet but but not with out tons of attitude. I have no idea where she get it from. Today she said “when I grow up and get bigger then you , then I will be the boss” I smiled and said riight and explained how it all works. I explained I am Mommy and will always be bigger and older then her and “the boss”. She said “ok Mommy I still lub you”. I cracked up. Mateo passed out in his crib having “rain forest time “ as we call it. He loves it. The rain forest mobile plays the sounds of the rain forest while leaves go up and down and a monkey,bird and frog slowly spin around. He gets to excited. He kicks his feet and moves his arms around. He is so expressive (just like his big sis). He coos at them or talks to him as we say it. He then windes down and falls asleep. Its so adorable. He naps him is crib and sleeps in our room at night. Today Azeli stayed home with me. She is still going through the “big sister adjustment phase”. She has been having some behavior problems at preschool/daycare (whole other topic).
But being home with my kids today was awesome. Just saying “my kids” warms my heart. I love having a family. My own little family. I can’t imagine my life any other way. Sure sometimes i envy my single friends and friends that don’t have any kids. I do miss being able to just worry about me and being able to get just my self ready and get out of the house. But then I remember when I was single and didn’t have kids. I remember one time years ago I was hanging out with my older sister and I was leaving her house and she and her 3 kids were walking in the house from coming out side and saying bye to me. And I remember thinking I want that. I want my own family. I want someones to come home to. Someones that get excited to see me. Someones to hold and call me Mommy. Someones to nurse and take care of. My own “little family” didn’t happen the way I had expected but never the less I have it. And I am so happy I do. My children and my boyfriend are my life. I love being a mom. Even when I am woken up at 3am by a crying hungry baby and I am just about falling asleep nursing him. And to be honest at 3 am it can make you a very grumpy. But when I look down at him nursing away and he smiles up at me with a sleepy grin and milk dribbling down his cheek its all worth it. Its worth every sleepless night, every day you don’t get a shower, everyday you practically hold the baby all day, everyday you get barfed on. Because that is the reality of being a mom. You are the booboo kisser. Mom makes everything better. And I enjoy all of it. I am not super mom and sometimes there are things that happen that I say “oh hell no I didn’t sign up for this”. But I am very blessed that I have an amazing partner on this crazy ride. I call him “Bebs” ( inside joke) his name is Mark. And he is wonderful. I have never met a more caring man and I really mean never. He is the best father I could ask for , for our kids. He does it all. Changes diapers,gives baths and anything else that needs to be done. When I was pregnant he was very senstive to my needs. He was understanding when I was exhausted and knew when I needed a nap and made sure I wasn’t trying to be super woman. He gave Zeli baths when I was so big I couldn’t bend over. He smiled when I would call him at work to ask him if some crazy food craving sounded good. He baked me a cake because I was craving one and then made a special trip to my work to bring me some. He surprised me on my birthday with a foot massage at Bare Foot and Sage. He bought tons of ice cream. And when I complained I was fat and pregnant he would tell me how beautiful and sexy I was. And even now post baby having quite a bit of Mateo weight left he tells me its just left over Mateo love. He is truly my soulmate. After I had the baby I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. So there it is. I am in love with my family.

well its been 7 weeks..

2007-06-03T01:56:23Z

I am so in love with this little/big guy. Mateo Ezren was born April 14 at 10:53am c-section. He was 9lbs 5oz. He is so darn handsome. He really is a beautiful baby. He has the most brilliant blue eyes and reddish brown hair. He is daddy from the eyes up and mommy from the nose down.

So da da da da daaaaaa here he is 5 and a half weeks

He has Daddies legs. lol

6 weeks photo shoot

6 weeks photo shoot (he peed in the basket) lol

and bath time!!!

yes i know he is a beautiful baby!!!! LOLOLOL

humbletulip @ 2007-04-09T22:56:00

2007-04-10T05:56:24Z

AHHHHH IM STILL PREGNANT!

Almost Done!!!

2007-03-14T06:21:12Z

I cant wait to meet this little guy!

My boyfriend look this pic of my 30 week pregnant belly!

2007-01-21T06:26:35Z

It's SANTA!!!

2006-12-11T05:47:08Z

Azeli did so good. She was so excited. She told Santa she wanted a doll that talks.

Help!

2006-11-25T06:45:16Z

My boyfriend and i are shopping for a new couch. We are looking for durable, cool, vibrant (red or purple) couches less than $2000.00 does any one know of any great places to find comfy cool stuff?? I have looked on line at Levitz, Sears, Ethen Allen, Costco, JC Pennys.

My little love

2006-11-22T04:17:22Z

This was taken at New Port California. My amazing boy friend took this one.

This is me at Venis beach at sunset. 18 weeks pregnant with baby boy Mateo. (due to be born 4/4/07)

HAPPY DANCE!

2006-11-17T06:07:58Z

We had our 20 week ultra sound today and... dah dah dah dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

ITS A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was not shy he kept showing off his little pee pee every time!
So far we have Matao Ezren for a name and Azeli calls him Matado. LOL she was a bt dissapointed but is quickly getting excited about it. I am soooooo excited i will have a girl and a boy with the love of my life.
I am truley blessed

Familes and babies

2006-11-06T07:43:09Z

Today i went to a Buddhist baby christening for my boyfriends co-workers 5 weeks old baby. We got there a little late. But it was still amazing. I was honored to be present to such a beautiful tradition. they all sat on the floor with a Buddhist monk chanting and giving the baby blessings. I didnt quite understand the whole thing. But at one point people including us (Mark and Zeli) tied a white string with money tied to it to the baby as a gift. The people there we so sweet and generous. Asain hospitality it great. They kept trying to feed us. Zeli had a great time. Usually she wants me to be next to her every second, but she wanted to play and all the women there kept telling me she will be fine and to just let her play. So Mark and I went to the other room and ate and mingled. It got me thinking of "family" and what means to me. All those people were there for this new life, this little tiny baby. To honor and bless him. It especially got me thinking of my own light growing in my womb. I have been so busy with work, going on vacation and family to really think about the baby. But since the last week and a half i can feel it moving around. Its a active little sweet potato ( that what we call it because its about that size) I got to hold the baby at the blessing and i absolutely melted. He is beautiful. I am amazed i am having another baby. I feel as if my life is finally falling into place. This time is so different. I am sharing this experience with my soulmate. He is so excited. Every morning we snuggle and he rubs my belly. He kisses my tummy and melts. Azeli is very excited she keeps telling me what we need for the baby. We have another ultra sound 11/16 and HOPEFULLY we will get to find out the gender. I am dieing to know so we can finally come up with a name we agree upon. Because we dont and its driving me crazy! I am planning for a water birth in the hospital. And am in the process of seeking advice from a doula. Because Azeli's birth ended in a c-section after 13 hours of hard labor, So his time because of that i cannot be induced and cannot go to far past my due date. And if i do i will have to have another c-section. So i want to talk to a doula about naturally helping labor happen and ways to have a easier birth.
I just feel grateful and blessed family. d for my family. My blood family and my close friends that i consider my family. Im life we have people come in and out of our lives. And just because there are not physically here with us it doesnt mean they are not in our hearts. I have great friends as far as Indonesia, Michigan, Idaho and California to name a few places. I love my friends and they have got me through some touch times. To all the ones who have never judged me and who have listened to me over the years. THANK YOU. I appreciate you and you will always be my family.

newest edition

2006-10-04T01:22:30Z

This is my new little light growing and due to make their first appearence this life time April 4,2007

We are so very excited. I am 13 weeks and already counting down.

Sweet Birthday Wishes

2006-07-24T07:07:59Z

Happy birthday quan_yin I love you! I am blessed to be part of your life!

Preschool/Childcare in Aloha

2006-06-15T06:26:18Z

Does anyone know of any great preschool or structured daycares around Aloha. For a 2 year old little girl with reasonable rates? Thanks!!!

Earth Day

2006-05-08T06:08:05Z

We went to a kick ass celebration

Love

2006-05-08T06:05:44Z

sleeping beauties

Coolest shades Eva!

I love these people

2006-05-08T05:59:15Z

My super photographer boyfriend/soulmate=bestest boyfriend ever took these!

Beach and Seattle trip 2006

2006-03-23T02:31:25Z

So cute

My amazing man!

Space Needle Lovin

Beach

I am so happy

Goey Sappy Happiness

2006-03-13T01:40:22Z

I am insanely happy. I am completely taken by someone. Never in life have I come across such a beautiful mix of passion,generosity,depth and nurturing. He can melt me with his smile and warm me with his touch....

ahhh life is good!

OMG

2006-03-08T14:09:42Z

I have a boyfriend....
CRAZY.....

Happy and a little insecure me

2006-03-04T06:25:20Z

I am so in awe of this man. He amazes me every. Today is the first day i havent seen him in a jeez 3 days i think. Yesterday he told me "Happy one week aniversary" of our first real date that is. I was in shock because i swear it has been longer. He is so comfortable and effortless. We just click on so many levels. Spiritually and physically. He is deep. He is rooted and grounded. He is a beautiful balance of so many wonderful things. He is 35 so he is mature and doesnt play games. He melts me and i melt him. There are so many things and are crazy that we have incommon and very compatible. He is awesome to Zeli and she adores him. So we will see. And if he isnt it and is just a delicious taste of what i am in store for in a soulmate thats great also. I am happy very HAPPY!

Namaste Loves

1:30am text from him

2006-03-02T14:15:08Z

"i could kiss with you forever"

ah i melt.

shaky and unable to form a sentence

2006-03-01T08:35:33Z

oh my gosh. I am in LUST,LIKE, Something powerful. He, is, amazing. On more levels then i could have ever imagined we melt together and become one.

Better than love,we made delicious
He me had,had me he
He made me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
~Jill Scott

Hippy Love Child!

2006-02-28T06:07:02Z

How can you not love that face?

So flippen cute!!!

I love this child more that life its self