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scribbles of a mad woman Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Toni Lee" journal:

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October 7th, 2007
12:20 am

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I can't believe it!
My baby is going to be four!!! Ahhh four I can't believe it. I remember finding out was I pregnant . I remember feeling her move in my belly for the first time. I remember every contraction and all the hour of labor that ended in a c-section. I remember coming home and it being just her and I. I remember watching her sleep for hours. I remember the first time she said "momma I dub (love) you" and how it made me cry. I remember her first birthday and thinking " I did it I kept her safe and healthy and loved for a whole year. And now she is going to be 4. Wow time flies.

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September 19th, 2007
11:11 pm

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Time flies when you don't have a job
I can't believe it. Mateo just turned 5 months and my little Azeli bug will be 4 in less then a month. Gosh they grow so fast. I was looking at pictures last night of when Azeli was a little chubby baby. She was adorable. Not she will be 4 in October. My baby will be 4. She is wise beyond her years. She is so damn smart. Today she asked me "Mommy right now I am a little girl so I have boobies but when I get bigger will I have big boobs like you?" I said yup when you grow bigger your boobies will grow too! She cracks me up. She wants to have a ballerina, Barbie, butterfly party. I told her that the boys might not want to be  ballerina Barbie butterflies.She said the boys can be Darth Vaders. LOL she kills me. I can see it now I have a house full of ballarina Barbie butterflies and Darth Vaders. She is so excited for her birthday. I havent decided what we are going to get her yet. She wants everything she sees and bonus if its pink. She is such a girly girl. And that is something I am not, at all. I will only wear pink if its accompanied with black. She LOVES to dress up in her princess including the princess pumps and dance. She is a crack up. She loves being a big sister. And he adores her. She can always cheer him up. I was taking pictures of them together the other day and smile because at a glance they look so different but if you compare features they look a lot alike.
Mateo is such a sweetie. He is a chub. We are still nursing and we still supplement on bottle of formula at night. I have tried just about everything to produce more milk. I take fenugreek 3 times a day and eat steal cut oatmeal for breakfast every day. I drink mothers milk tea on and off. And we nurse often. I am very proud I didn't give up because I wanted to so bad the first few weeks. Its hard work. For some woman it comes so easy but not me. But I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Its our time together. I love they way he looks up at me and plays with my curls they hang down across my breast. He loves the feeling of my skin. He reaches up and rubs my arm he even does it in his sleep when we nurse at night. I feels good to know I am nourishing  him from my body. It is a true miracle to conceive a child grow it in your womb and bring it to life. Then to feed it from your breast. I love it. Its so amazing. I am planning to nurse till he is atleast one. I know its recommended to nurse till they are two. But we will see. I am just proud I have made it this far. He is finally rolling over. Its so cute. He rolls from his belly to his back and he always has this look after he does it like whoa what just happened. He is such a snuggler. He is a big time mommas boy. When Daddy holds him he always looks for me. I love it. I love they way he feels when I pick him up in the morning for the first time. I love the way he smells after a bath. I love the way his breath feels on my face when he falls sleep in my chest. I love when he grabs my face and gives me kisses (more like sucking on my chin). He is such a blessing. I am grateful to be given the chance to have children.
I am also blessed with an amazing partner. I love him with my whole soul. He is my soulmate. I don't think I have ever been loved by someone so much in my life. He understands me. All my crazy tics and moments of insanity. He knows when I just need to be held. He works his ass off so I can be home with the kids. He works his 40 hours and then comes home and freelances for another few hours and sometimes all night. He is such a hard worker. He is a great dad. He is such a natural at it. He isn't afraid to change a pooped diaper or give a bath. He wears the baby in a sling. Nothing fazes him. He is the best! I love him so much. The other day we were standing in the kitchen and he wraps his arms all the way around be and says " your such a great momma" and " you are my soulmate its just so easy with you, you just make me feel good" . I LOVE that man.

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June 8th, 2007
05:30 pm

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Family
I just checked on my babies and they are both passed out in their own rooms. Azeli is still taking her nap tucked in her loft bed. She is so adorable. She is sweet but but not with out tons of attitude. I have no idea where she get it from. Today she said “when I grow up and get bigger then you , then I will be the boss” I smiled and said riight and explained how it all works. I explained I am Mommy and will always be bigger and older then her and “the boss”. She said “ok Mommy I still lub you”. I cracked up. Mateo passed out in his crib having “rain forest time “ as we call it. He loves it. The rain forest mobile plays the sounds of the rain forest while leaves go up and down and a monkey,bird and frog slowly spin around. He gets to excited. He kicks his feet and moves his arms around. He is so expressive (just like his big sis). He coos at them or talks to him as we say it. He then windes down and falls asleep. Its so adorable. He naps him is crib and sleeps in our room at night. Today Azeli stayed home with me. She is still going through the “big sister adjustment phase”. She has been having some behavior problems at preschool/daycare (whole other topic).
But being home with my kids today was awesome. Just saying “my kids” warms my heart. I love having a family. My own little family. I can’t imagine my life any other way. Sure sometimes i envy my single friends and friends that don’t have any kids. I do miss being able to just worry about me and being able to get just my self ready and get out of the house. But then I remember when I was single and didn’t have kids. I remember one time years ago I was hanging out with my older sister and I was leaving her house and she and her 3 kids were walking in the house from coming out side and saying bye to me. And I remember thinking I want that. I want my own family. I want someones to come home to. Someones that get excited to see me. Someones to hold and call me Mommy. Someones to nurse and take care of. My own “little family” didn’t happen the way I had expected but never the less I have it. And I am so happy I do. My children and my boyfriend are my life. I love being a mom. Even when I am woken up at 3am by a crying hungry baby and I am just about falling asleep nursing him. And to be honest at 3 am it can make you a very grumpy. But when I look down at him nursing away and he smiles up at me with a sleepy grin and milk dribbling down his cheek its all worth it. Its worth every sleepless night, every day you don’t get a shower, everyday you practically hold the baby all day, everyday you get barfed on. Because that is the reality of being a mom. You are the booboo kisser. Mom makes everything better. And I enjoy all of it. I am not super mom and sometimes there are things that happen that I say “oh hell no I didn’t sign up for this”. But I am very blessed that I have an amazing partner on this crazy ride. I call him “Bebs” ( inside joke) his name is Mark. And he is wonderful. I have never met a more caring man and I really mean never. He is the best father I could ask for , for our kids. He does it all. Changes diapers,gives baths and anything else that needs to be done. When I was pregnant he was very senstive to my needs. He was understanding when I was exhausted and knew when I needed a nap and made sure I wasn’t trying to be super woman. He gave Zeli baths when I was so big I couldn’t bend over. He smiled when I would call him at work to ask him if some crazy food craving sounded good. He baked me a cake because I was craving one and then made a special trip to my work to bring me some. He surprised me on my birthday with a foot massage at Bare Foot and Sage. He bought tons of ice cream. And when I complained I was fat and pregnant he would tell me how beautiful and sexy I was. And even now post baby having quite a bit of Mateo weight left he tells me its just left over Mateo love. He is truly my soulmate. After I had the baby I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. So there it is. I am in love with my family.

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: India Arie, Good Morning

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June 2nd, 2007
06:37 pm

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well its been 7 weeks..
I am so in love with this little/big guy. Mateo Ezren was born April 14 at 10:53am c-section. He was 9lbs 5oz. He is so darn handsome. He really is a beautiful baby. He has the most brilliant blue eyes and reddish brown hair. He is daddy from the eyes up and mommy from the nose down.

So da da da da daaaaaa here he is 5 and a half weeks



He has Daddies legs. lol



6 weeks photo shoot



6 weeks photo shoot (he peed in the basket) lol



and bath time!!!




yes i know he is a beautiful baby!!!! LOLOLOL

Current Mood: sicksick

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April 9th, 2007
10:56 pm

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AHHHHH IM STILL PREGNANT!

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March 13th, 2007
11:20 pm

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Almost Done!!!
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I cant wait to meet this little guy!

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January 20th, 2007
11:26 pm

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My boyfriend look this pic of my 30 week pregnant belly!
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December 10th, 2006
10:47 pm

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It's SANTA!!!
Azeli did so good. She was so excited. She told Santa she wanted a doll that talks.

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November 24th, 2006
11:45 pm

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Help!
My boyfriend and i are shopping for a new couch. We are looking for durable, cool, vibrant (red or purple) couches less than $2000.00 does any one know of any great places to find comfy cool stuff?? I have looked on line at Levitz, Sears, Ethen Allen, Costco, JC Pennys.

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November 21st, 2006
09:17 pm

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My little love
This was taken at New Port California. My amazing boy friend took this one.

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This is me at Venis beach at sunset. 18 weeks pregnant with baby boy Mateo. (due to be born 4/4/07)

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